Surviving the Holidays with DEARMAN

The holidays tend to bring out the best and the most stressful parts of our relationships. Expectations pile up, routines shift, and suddenly you’re doing emotional gymnastics just to keep everyone happy.This is exactly the kind of situation Marsha Linehan created DEARMAN for a structured way to communicate clearly, respectfully, and effectively.

Below is a short guide you can use right away, especially if you’re heading into family dinners, group chats, party planning, or hosting duties.

What Is DEARMAN?

DEAR MAN is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill that helps you ask for what you need or set a limit without escalating conflict.

It stands for:

Describe

Express

Assert

Reinforce

Mindful

Appear Confident

Negotiate

Think of it as a formula that keeps your request grounded, clear, and doable.

A Holiday Example: Saying No to Hosting (Without Guilt or Drama)

D – Describe

Stick to facts, no interpretation.

“We’ve had three big weekends in a row, and this week has been especially busy with work and kids.”

E – Express

Share how this impacts you.

“I’m feeling stretched thin and overwhelmed.”

A – Assert

Ask for what you need or say no.

“I’m not able to host Christmas Eve dinner this year.”

R – Reinforce

Explain the positive outcome for them.

“If I don’t take on hosting, I’ll be in a much better headspace and can actually enjoy the night with everyone.”

M – Stay Mindful

People may push back. Return to your point without taking the bait.

“I hear you. I’m still not able to host this year.”

(Rinse. Repeat.)

A – Appear Confident

Your voice doesn’t need to be loud—just steady. Shoulders down. No apologizing for taking care of yourself.

N – Negotiate

Offer alternatives if you genuinely want to.

“I can still bring the dessert,”or“If someone else hosts, I’m happy to come early and help set up.”

Why DEARMAN Works So Well During the Holidays

In her manual, Linehan emphasizes that effective requests balance:

• Self-respect

• Relationship health

• Achieving your goal

  
  

The holidays challenge all three at once, which is why having a structure matters.

DEARMAN prevents the two extremes many people fall into:– overexplaining or people-pleasing, or– shutting down and hoping the stress magically resolves itself.

It gives you a way to be direct and kind, without sacrificing yourself.

A Final Thought

You don’t have to “perform” the holidays. You’re allowed to protect your time, energy, and mental health.

DEARMAN is simply a tool that helps you communicate those needs in a way others can actually hear.

If you want more DBT skills made practical and real-world, follow along—I share tips every week.